“It’s complicated” is how I felt for a long time.
I grew up in family that loves sweets. We often baked and my mom was really great about providing me a wide variety of foods. Sweets were never inherently bad, but I remember feeling like dessert was the ultimate, pinnacle of satisfaction with eating and it was just the best best best most exciting thing ever. I often talk about how physical and mental restriction sets us up to overeat foods, but there’s another piece to the puzzle. I think over-glorification of foods sets us up to overeat and emotionally-overly-depend on foods too.
Then *cue* my eating disorder. I felt really stuck, really trapped, and really overwhelmed in this dichotomy of over and under control. Being “out of control” with food includes both over and under control. And there I was swinging back and forth, back and forth. Research shows that individuals with eating disorders have poorer emotional awareness, greater emotional suppression, and decreased ability to regulate emotions. This was absolutely true for younger Caroline. My over-and-under food choices were my attempts to escape a whole-lotta-chaos.
A few thoughts on cookie dough to offer you some reflection, validation, and possible healing…
To my readers, your relationship with cookie dough doesn’t have to be “it’s complicated.” I promise you, I promise you.