letting go of your sick body

It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. This week does a lot of good *and* it’s always a week I find myself holding my breath for the numerous of posts that show up on social media of very very sick bodies.

I believe there is merit to self expression and pushing against censorship. This isn’t a plea for you to self-censor and edit – you did plenty of that in your active eating disorder. This is a call to some self reflection, to really sit with your thoughts and feelings on this topic.

eating disorders affect the body

Eating disorders have detrimental effects on the body. Because eating disorders affect behaviors related to food intake, energy balance, and exercise they cause an individual to experience an artificial weight. An artificial weight is a real weight that your body has been at, but only exists through the means of maintaining eating disorder behaviors. Artificial weights are not sustainable, healthful, or aspirational.

Heavily stigmatized, we often attribute body size, shape and weight with the severity of one’s eating disorder. This is a wildly incorrect and extremely harmful concept. Only 6% of diagnosed eating disorders are actually medically ‘underweight’ i.e. having a BMI (lolz) of 18.5. Read that again. Only 6% of all active eating disorders are ‘underweight’ per a health metric that intrinsically holds so much stigma and questionable validity in measuring health.

eating disorders are competitive

You know what makes eating disorders different from most other mental illnesses? They are egosyntonic – meaning there’s a lot of minimization of the suffering and of aspiration to ‘do better’ in the ED. There’s a whole book entitled “Sick Enough” by Dr. Jennifer Gaudiani that advocates for individuals to realize they are in fact ‘sick enough’ to pursue and receive treatment. Eating disorders always believe they can be more sick, more intense, more intense, and more deserving of help. Rarely do any of my clients across the eating disorder diagnostic spectrum come in that first session and say, “Hey Caroline, look, I am just so sick and need help.” Um, no lol. In fact, in the early stages of treatment, my role is to provide psychoeducation on eating disorders and reflect the intensity and severity of what that person is experiencing in their eating disorder so that they will continue to receive the help they deserve.

if 1+1=2 then…

So if we know eating disorders affect the body (and that can look a number of ways sometimes including one’s size, shape or weight) and we know eating disorders are competitive and inherently believe behaviors at any point could be worse – how does posting photos showcasing your sick body help the eating disorder recovery cause?

With all the compassion in the world, I completely understand that your sick body may feel like your best bet in having your pain and suffering recognized and validated. That literally shatters my heart. Your trauma should never be reduced to a mere number on a scale or the size of your thighs. Your pain deserves a safe, non-performative place to be seen and held and tended to. I’m sorry that you’ve been led to believe that your body is the best way to express your suffering.

Our eating disorder or our pain during that time can feel ever elusive or like fever dream. Looking at and ruminating on old photos of ourselves when we were really sick may provide us a sense of recollection or a memento of a time in which we have very complex feelings around. If you find yourself pursuing these photos, reminiscing or scrutinizing them – pause. Consider these questions:

• What am I looking for in these photos? Literally and figuratively. I am looking for validation that that time in my life really was painful and lonely.
• How else could I find what I am looking for or meet that need? I could put the photos down and write a therapeutic letter to myself at that point in my life to express what I am feeling in this moment. I could call a safe friend who helped bear witness to that painful season. I could write an email to my therapist asking for accountability in addressing this in our next session for more support.
• What parts of me come up looking at these photos? I am aware there’s a part of me that feels forgotten, like everyone forgot all that I overcame and I desire to be recognized for all that I have healed from. I am aware there’s another part of me that feels grief around the time lost in my eating disorder and viewing these photos feels like a way the only way I can access that grief.
• If I were to share these photos with others, what do I hope that will give me? Maybe I will feel affirmed in my journey.
• What are the consequences of sharing these photos publicly? Maybe I will feel overwhelmed by all these different people speaking into my story and that doesn’t feel that great.
• What are other ways I can express and share my journey with others authentically and vulnerably? Does it feel authentic and vulnerable to share with the masses a photo of my body? Am I trying to let this photo of my sick body showcase my suffering more than my words or story? How does this reinforce unhelpful beliefs around my body (i.e. because my body looks like X that means Y about me)?

you aren’t responsible for censoring yourself for the sake of others, but you are responsible for your own healing and actions.

As a person who is recovered and provides nutrition counseling to individuals pursuing eating disorder recovery, I do believe that posting photos of your sick body or posting TikToks of you actively using eating disorder behaviors is not helpful. I wish posts like that generally didn’t exist. And I really do understand why people post these things and why someone might feel the urge to share this type of content.

This week, if you feel a tug to post this sort of content or your story in this capacity, would you be willing to slow down and get curious about all that is behind that urge? I think that might just provide you with more affirmation, validation, and healing than posting a photo of your sick body on the world wide web🤍