warning: moments of pride in your eating disorder could be shame temporarily relieved

Hi hi hi!!! It’s been a moment since i published a blog on here. It’s been a busy season since December opening my own eating disorder nutrition counseling private practice! Stay tuned because more is coming in March – May, big announcements to serve Nashville in big ways.

In the name of transparency, taking this leap in starting my own practice required much self reflection. Though I am long recovered from my own eating disorder, that performing perfectionistic part of me still peaks its pesky head out sometimes saying, “Caroline, do more, be more.” It’s funny how shame and pride coexist at the same time. One of the most beautiful parts of the past few months is feeling absolutely grounded in my ‘why’ for opening my practice that is so values aligned. Connection, leadership, contentment and wholeheartedness are a few things I value most in this life and opening Meant To Eat Nutrition Counseling feels like a radical, beautiful way of living closer to those values. That pesky perfectionistic part of me just isn’t really hasn’t been here for the past few months and it feels like a long awaited gift to myself for all the work I have done personally and interpersonally up until this point. TL;DR – recovering from your eating disorder is a worthy pursuit and your efforts will beautifully and powerfully affect your life for years to come in the most unexpected ways. The gifts, contentment, and joy comes and keeps coming. Hold the tension until then, it will come.

Shame & Pride In Your Eating Disorder

In my eating disorder I largely operated from a place of shame masked as pride. It showed up like this:

Most of the things that I felt a sense of pride or accomplishment from a temporarily filling of this deep shame hole in my heart. It’s the biggest reason why maintaining my eating disorder wasn’t sustainable, I was sheerly exhausted from the constant performing and filling this hole. My eating disorder never told me that each time I filled my shame hole, it wouldn’t last, and it just upped the ante for what was to be expected from me the next time. I was constantly pursuing feeling good about myself by the means of abandoning myself. I only felt good about myself if others felt good about me.

It’s hard to recognize that shame is present when you feel a sense of accomplishment and praise from the world. My hope is that with these words, it could offer you a moment of reflection to ask yourself these questions…

Am I running this race so that others see me and praise me?

Am I eating ‘super clean’ so that I am healthy and therefore others will admire my willpower, wellbeing, and commitment to health?

Do I want to work out and tone my body so that I feel better about myself? And if so, where did I learn that a toned body would improve my sense of self worth?

Am I taking this trip to appear cooler and accomplished more than I am taking it to experience and savor life?

Would I eat the same way if no one knew or cared? Would I eat the same way if I was promised to never gain weight or feel food guilt?

As you ponder those questions – dig in, compassionately. If it feels uncomfortable, you’re likely getting close to something that is hard to sit with. That’s okay. That means this performing, perfectionistic part may feel challenged or threatened that it’s time in trying to protect you or comfort you may not be as effective as it once was. Stepping into values-aligned living and opting out of performance is the gift that keeps giving. Opening up Meant To Eat Nutrition Counseling is that gift for me. It’s really meaningful to share in that with y’all.